My vast backyard, the one we got now the kids are all grown and we don’t need it, has become Squirrelassic Park. The little furbearers are everywhere (squirrels refer to us as “the giant skinbearers” or “giant skin-barers with giant pores”).
At first light, they skitter and crackle along the fences and make leaves drop to the grass below with their arboreal passage (going up trees). Squirrels are everywhere, but our vast backyard has become a squirrel galaxy with squirrellian solar systems in far areas.
There are the thin, light brown ones that cavort on and near the pseudo-redbarn storage shed, designed to evoke an earlier agrarian era. They wear tiny bib overalls with one gallus loose and no shoes. They leave empty squirrel snuff cans the size of nickels all around the yard, which is fine till the mower hits one, and you’ve got a flying missile.
The fence runners and back forty tree climbers are fast, and we only catch glimpses of them. With squirrel abdomenizers and oaktree stairclimbers, their leg and arm muscles bulge like balloon animals. Using tiny climbing ropes, they belay and swing through the high flimsy locust trees with aplomb (but no plumbs on locusts, still out of season).
We have a sophisticated squirrelaratti that hold court in the luxurious ivy and photonia in the back corner. Jaded and somewhat overweight bohemian squirrels hang there. There are four Barbie tables and chairs they’ve scavenged, and you catch a whiff of squirrelesso brewing. Those cups are tiny, I can tell you. Stumbled back there the other day, and they scattered, tipping the tables, leaving small black berets, scarves, and lit cigarettes;a fire hazard. You’ve not lived till you’ve seen a squirrel in beret and scarf playing “the poor squirrels of Paris” on a concertina.
Finally, the biggest thoroughbred squirrels dominate the trees near the pool, and their haughtiness is beyond belief. They wear absolutely nothing, go commando 24/7. In a moment of kindness, you toss them a peanut, they stare in a blasé fashion, as if to say “that’s cool, okay, but I ain’t givin’ YOU nothin’. They rule.
That’s it, come see us sometime. Just remember, when you come, you enter